I am almost certain that gnomes were sent to earth by the devil to terrorize people and eat their souls. Just the other day, me and my friend Ashley were in Big Lots, and there was a collection of gnomes that were sure to eat you and your entire family's souls if you purchased them. These fuckers had shovels, wheelbarrows, and little tools to kill you with. They were hardcore street gnomes. And while I was terrified and prayed to the heavens for them to stop watching me, my friend finds them adorable.

So, I think about it and I have realized that some gnomes do indeed eat souls and steal essences... but there must be some gnomes that hypnotize people, and make them believe that gnomes are adorable. Those tricky bastards. Not to mention, I will be living in the same house with my friend Ashley... so I will be adding extra locks to my windows and doors to ensure that that some gnomey bastard doesn't crawl his little ass into my room at night and eat my soul or hypnotize me into thinking he isn't from the minions of hell.

No, this isn't Sarah Jessica Parker as The Joker in the next Batman movie, it's the mini creature that will crash my dreams tonight and turn them into a nightmare.

Some bitch has taken My Little Pony and transformed her horsey ass into classic movie characters. It's pretty amazing that someone made a creepy thing even fucking creepier. There's no way I could shut my eyes with one of those things in my house. Even if I threw it in the trash and put a brick over the garbage can, it would find a way out. Those twinkly eyes say "I will eat your face tonight" and that slimy grin adds "And I'll like it."

The My Little Edward Scissorhands has to be illegal in most states. It has knives instead of hooves!

Let me let you in on a little secret. I FUCKING LOVE CEREAL!!! So, I was pretty intrigued to try this new Banana Nut Cheerios that my friend Michelle (heeey boo) had been raving about and apparently had like 6 bowls of it in one sitting. So, being the great friend that she is, she bought me my very own box. And for the love of general mills, it is so amazing that I even drink the milk and lick the bowl when I am finished. If you are a cereal fan, you HAVE TO try this cereal! And in the unlikely event that you hate this deliciousness, you can give me the rest of the box. I will give you my address and you can send that shit to me.

You might want to hold off on buying a new cell phone! Because Apple is preparing to demonstrate iPhone Software 3.0 on Tuesday, March 17th. The new OS is rumored to be able to run applications in the background, support MMS, among other things. This is exciting news because traditionally Apple shows off its new iPhone Software in March, followed by new hardware in the June/July timeframe. What this means, is that more than likely we will see a new iPhone by summer. Exciting news - so like I said, you may want to hold off on your crackberry purchases for now!


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Now playing: Keri Hilson - Change Me Featuring Akon
via FoxyTunes

Not only is this one of the hottest cars that I have seen in a while, it is also one of the most advanced. Jaguar’s XF is full of the usual bells and whistles on most sedans today. But it is the only sedan to boast a push button start that triggers a gear shift that raises out of the console area. (Pictured Below) This car does however steal some styling cues from Lexus and BMW. But It puts them together so nicely that no one should complain!

CHICK-FIL-A's ICEDREAM!!!!

Take your ass to your local Chick-Fil-A and get you some of the best fucking ice cream on the planet! I went last night and git a cone of this shit and I ate it like I was on a mission. And that mission was to eat this shit in less than 30 seconds! OMG it really is the best ice cream on the planet! I'm not joking!!! And on top of that its only like $1 and some change!!!!!!! Baby Jesus I could eat 8 of those bitches without even thinking about it twice.

Fergie, Fergie, Fergie..... why in the name of The Black Eyed Peas did you do this shit to your head? I had no idea this bitch was playing a witch as her next role. She looks like she should be cackling while offering up a wormy apple.

If Cher got caught in a meth lab explosion, this is what she would look like after. Seriously, the diarrhea brown makes this bitch look like she's 45. The straight hair looks like two curtains framing her face. And Fuggie's face should never be the star of ANY show.

And what the hell is that shit on your ankles??? And I am not a fashion expert by any means but neon fucking orange shoes? No thank you.

Well, it doesn't take much to make me want to punch a baby. But that is beside the point. I really do hate the new facebook. I mean, didn't they just update that shit not too long ago? I am already missing some of the features that I enjoyed witht he old facebook and it has only been a day since they changed it! The thing I miss the most is the live update feature. I am a facebook whore, so how in the hell am I supposed to keep up with shit if I have to refresh the page to get an update? Its bullshit! On top of everything, this shit looks EXACTLY like twitter now. Why didn't they just change the name to Facetwit?!

More than anything I miss the status update bar that used to say "Chad is..." on it. I don't even know how to start my day without that shit on my facebook. Commence baby punch fest 09.

Bitch looks hot as fuck in this video for "If You Seek Amy"
Check it out!

I seriously was so excited when I read that Teddy Ruxpin was making a triumphant return to the world this year! I used to play with that little fucker when I was little like it was my destiny. Plus, my brother thought he was creepy cause he talked, so that made him even more awesome. He went with me everywhere I fucking went. And then he would run out of batteries and I would throw his ass in the darkest back corners of my closet... and my mom would get new batteries in that bitch and we would be best friends again.

So apparently, the bitches that make Teddy Ruxpin back in the day are making his comeback kind of like Britney's comeback. They are giving his ass a makeover and then they are getting the top children's book writers together for all his new stories. I just hope that he keeps his clothes on and that he doesn't have any wardrobe malfunctions while on his world tour. I mean, as funny as it was to hear Britney proclaim that her pussy was hanging out... I don't think I am ready to hear Teddy say that his bear bits are hanging out.

Well, at least we can be glad that children will be playing with something educational instead of some of the stupid shit I see in Wal-Mart these days. I mean, we KNOW that this bitch can even run a country for 8 years... I mean he did give Dubbya all of his ideas you know. If you look closely at any picture of Dubbya you will see Teddy Ruxpin hanging out of his suitcase or waving out of the window of Air Force One. As a matter of fact, I think its time for Ruxpin for President in 2012. YES HE CAN!

Your monitor might be foggy from the extreme amounts of elegance floating off of these pictures. The eyebrows alone can get into any fine restaurant where dozens of admirers will champagne and dine them. This is what sophistication is. And I have feeling that's what got these pristine and refined ladies arrested by the mega haters known as the police.

The Las Vegas Review Journal put out a photo spread of the 50 most gorgeous beauties in Las Vegas....who happened to get their asses arrested. What did they do you ask? Basically, they were too beautiful. Assault with elegance! Ravishing ladies have it so hard.

Okay, they were really arrested for whoring it out on the streets. But it's not what you think! They are all virgins! They know how many eyebrow worshipers there are in the world, so men from around the world travel to Las Vegas to pay these stunners to stare at their exquisite eyebrows up close. They are being punished for that because the city of Las Vegas really doesn't know how to handle natural beauty, so they cage it up!

This isn't the last we'll see of these hot bitches. Don't be surprised if you see them on the catwalks of Paris. And by "catwalks of Paris," I mean Rock of Love Bus.

Click here to feast your eyes on all the gorgeousness, but you might want to look at the fugly picture of Pam Anderson below in between viewings or you might go into cardiac arrest from being exposed to extreme amounts of beauty.

The phrase "rode hard and put away wet" was created for Pamela Anderson. Old bitch needs to soak in a hot bath of Oxiclean, Pine-Sol, paint remover and Lime-A-Way. I know experts tell you not to mix chemicals, but Pamela's case is an emergency! After her bath, Mr. Sandman needs to drop a fucking sandbox on her head so she can take a 2-month nap!

Okay, I'm all for a bitch doing what she has to do to get that pussy purring. If you got to go down to Home Depot and flirt with some power tools in hopes one might take you home and drill you down, FINE. But is a nut bust really worth turning your vagina into fucking shredded beef? The ho in this story answered a fuck yes to that question.

The 27-year-old woman of Saint Mary County in Maryland was airlifted to a hospital after a saber saw done fucked up her pussy. The woman and her dick for brains boyfriend decided it would be really fucking sexy to get all America Psycho on her vagina and fuck it with a "sex toy" (I'm assuming a dildo) attached to a saber saw. It wasn't long before the blade on the saw cut through the dildo and straight up turned her sugar walls into some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. The dumb bitch went from screaming "Oh baby" to "Oh baby my pussy fell off!!!!"

The bitch was released from the hospital on Monday. She told police that the idiotic sex act was consensual and no crime was committed. Yeah, tell that to her pussy. May it rest in fucking peace. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY?! I mean, I hope that when they got home she took a power drill to his asshole so he can see how it feels. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY? I still can't. She will never watch an episode of Home Improvement the same away.

What in the Muppet hell did Kermit the Frog do to this bitch to make her MURDER his entire family and make a coat and a little hat out of their carcasses?! I bet he gave her warts (down there) and she was a little pissed so she went on a rampage of sorts and did this horseshit. I really hope this bitch doesn't try to get her a Miss. Piggy coat because let me tell you, she has no problem cutting a bitch in a heartbeat.

Anywhatisthisbitchwearing, I saw this pic and had to post it before I went to bed a had horrible dreams of muppets being decapitated and made into clothing for emaciated smug ass models to wear on the runway. Because I KNEW you wanted to have the same dreams tonight! This shit is ridiculous, even for "fashion". Shittttt.... who am I kidding?! Bitches in Sanford have been wearing this shit for years, it screams Sanford chic for sure. But they usually target Fozzie or Cookie Monster around here, but I'm sure Kermit is no exception! I knew I had seen this idea somewhere before! COPYCATS!!!

So I had my iTunes on shuffle today and it played some pretty random shit. I think I even had some shit that I was unaware of. But when it played Ace of Base's The Sign, I turned that shit all the way up and sang and danced around like it was 1994 all over again! So I decided to look them bitches up and see what in the hell they are up to these days and was surprised to see them still looking EXACTLY the same! The blonde chick is no longer a part of the group. What kind of fuckery is that? I mean, who wouldn't want to be a part of Ace of fucking Base?! I'm sure they get treated like royalty all around the world. I bet they even get the fancy suite at the Super 8.

Anyallthatshewantsisanotherbaby, I listened to some of their new music and I quit that bitch about 15 seconds into the first song. They done went and got all techno on us. No thanks Ace of Base. If I want to torture my ears, I will just listen to U2's new shitty album. It kind of made me sad to know that these assholes aren't still signing The Sign and Don't Turn Around and All That She Wants every chance they fucking get! I mean, if they wanted to tour, and do a set of just old school stuff, I would totally go. As long as the tickets were like 10 bucks. But seriously, who wouldn't go to see that shit?

Even more surprising news, they already are currently on a 2008-2009 World Tour that they apparently forgot to tell the world about. Because you know no one knew about that shit! And you know they are more than likely pushing their new shitty techno music on people instead of giving them what they really want (to have another baby). Anyway, if you want to party like its 1994, you can watch the video for The Sign below.

I am in the car with my mom right now on the way to Southern Pines and I swear to ibproufen she hasn't stopped talking since we left the house. I'm conducting an experiment to see how long we can ride together and me not say anything; and if that will even phase her. So far we are 30 minutes into the car ride and I bet she hasn't taken a single breath between words.

Anysuicide, I went to San Felipe today and it was fucking amazing! I got the lunch special #9 and let me tell you, I will be shitting my brains out here in a little while. I had a good time though with Karonie! We always laugh and cut up like we are 12 years old!

I really might kill myself or someone around me now, we are in the FABRIC FUCKING WAREHOUSE and they are playing nonstop hillbilly country shit and there's at least 63646646 million sqaure feet of nothing but fabric!!! The things I will do for a bloomin onion at Outback Steakhouse! I would eat Dolly Partons ass cheese for a bloomin' onion or maybe even donkey punch Clay Aiken. Ok, maybe not the Clay Aiken thing... But you get what I mean. Bloomin onions are a very serious matter.

I Love Sparkle.

Soooo my brother was supposed to bring over some food for us to eat while we watch the game, but instead he decided to get some Digiorno pizzas. Not only did it taste like shit, but I honestly thought I might blow pepperoni chunks everywhere. I don't know what kind of delivery these bitches are talking about this shit tasting like, but it wasn't pizza.

On top of it tasing like cheesy shit, the crust was like dough that you haven't cooked yet and it also took forfuckingever to cook! I swear to Domino's that I wouldn't even eat this shit if I was starving to death and it was the last food source on earth.

Disclaimer: the real box doesn't advertise that it tastes like shit, I just thought I would add that on there. BUT if they really wanted to be honest they would go ahead and make their boxes identical to the one in the picture.

Just when we thought we were done with crazy white lady Michael Jackson, she's he's back with the This is It tour. I can only be on board with this horseshit if he promises to keep his ass in the UK and also promises that this is really fucking it! No more! I want to forget all about crazy white lady Michael, and remember the good times, like Thriller, I can even be happy remembering up until Black and White.... with a little Scream on the side. But seriously, NO MORE!!! I hope he gets it out of his system and just quits this bitch all together! But you know in like 5 years when his ass is broke, he will start the You Thought That Was It tour and I am going to have to run over his ass with my car. Twice.

Anychindimple, he held some press conference about the tour last week and didn't look like he was going to melt. It also looks like he got a new wig! I'm impressed with this shit because he had been looking like my dogs ass berries lately. The tour is exclusively in the UK and begins July 8th with 10 shows. I will eat chili peppers with my anus if he lasts all 10 shows, I mean I will be surprised if this shit actually happens at all! But for the love of Chalupas, I really do hope that THIS IS IT!

It really hasn't been too long since The Dream released his last album, Love/Hate, but he has been busy producing tracks for other artists in the meantime. Well, here's his latest album Love vs Money, and I have to say it is really good! Standout tracks are Love vs Money, Walkin on the Moon, and My Love. Check it out!

Download

Well, I have officially postponed my funtimes trip to California after finding out today that over the next couple of weeks I will be traveling to Charlotte for assessments and stuff for a job. I am now going in the middle of April. I was really looking forward to going NOW but I guess postponing it until April isn't such a big deal.

Anyfart, this extra time gives me more time to plan what to do while I am there. I am going to be spending most of my time in Pasadena, but will be in Anaheim for about 3 days. Maybe going to Disneyland... I really wanted to drive up to San Fransisco for the day but I found out that its a 6 hour drive and that shit just ain't happening.

First of all, I didn't burn down Taco Bell. Yet. This is a picture of when some other person that was in a fight with Taco Bell went over the edge. Anytaquito, there are 2 reasons I am in a fight with Taco Bell:

1. Taco Bell offers to throw after-show parties every night for Fergie and the Black-Eyed Peas for FREE, to celebrities with millions or dollars!!!

AND

2. it delivers - yes DELIVERS - bags of food to Paris Hilton's home whenever she wants them to and they delivered it to her parents' home to welcome her home from prison - PRISON. She can say she was just in prison because of a suspended license but her license was suspended because she was given a DUI - for driving to in-and-out burger (not to taco bell).

read it here and be pissed because you don't have a lot of money and aren't getting free food. no, save the free food for the woman who doesn't work, has millions of dollars, and will never do anything decent with that money or her fame (despite her recent proclamations from prison that she was going to be a new person. she is the only one stupid enough to believe that).

if you don't think you have time to read the link, here the most shocking and pertinent part of the article:

"Later in the day, two Taco Bell reps arrived at the mansion and announced they had a delivery of four bags of food from Paris to the media. They then handed out taquitos and chips to everyone, including police officers."

I have been a loyal Taco Bell customer for as long as we have had Taco Bell in Sanford, so I am a little pissed that I haven't ever gotten free Taco Bell. Usually, when I get pissed off I go get me some Taco Bell... but this time, I will refrain. This is the start of a new Taco Bell free me. Well, until I really can't live without chalupas anymore. Damn Taco Bell and your spell you have on my soul. Please send cheesy bean thoughts my way as I try to not eat taco bell.

I made the same face as the picture to the left when I watched the video, except my bangs didn't look like that! Seriously, who in the hell does Tonya Harding think she is? Not only does she think that people will pay money to come see her, she thinks that the fact that she tried to ruin Nancy Kerrigan's career makes her an American icon? Bitch please. Obama could care less that you are a piece of trash, but he knows that people in America dislike you, so he put your name in with a negative connotation for that reason. And while "all press is good press" may be true, that doesn't mean people even know that you are an Olympic skater, they just know that you are a loser piece of trash. And what the hell is going on with her bangs?

I've had an iPhone for a while. Unfortunately, I used to have a Blackberry, because they were the best thing there was at the time. They are terrible. If you own a Blackberry and think you've got a "real" phone, stop kidding yourself. Its a scam. If you are professionally able, switch to a different phone. Of course, my experiences come from dealing with AT&T, a company that has dropped about 15 notches in my opinion scale as each new dropped call, bill discrepency, or lie they tell.

1. With a iPhone $30 a month covers unlimited internet and texting. They want $30 a month for "unlimited internet" for a blackberry. This doesn't include SMS. Unlimited SMS costs another $15... So thats $20 or $45 a MONTH for the SAME THING. Not to mention the internet on the blackberry is HORRIBLE!
2. Apparently putting any kind of storage on the phone is a crime at Blackberry, you pay an arm and a leg for the phone and then you have to buy a memory card? SUCKY.
3. The keyboard is too small and the keyboards keep getting smaller in newer phones. I had the pearl, and the keypad was annoying and it was not user friendly.
4. There is no way to control the volume and profiles on the phone with it locked.
5. My phone in high school, like almost 10 years ago, had a better UI than the blackberry's UI.
6. They are just now adding DIGITAL cameras. Its 2009.
7. Trying to download software over GPRS and having to restart every time you don't make it through the 30 minute process without a hiccup. Honestly, I haven't had to deal with something this stupid since Z-Modem was released.
8. They are charging your company a bunch of money to run this system that allows you to access your email from your cellphone. Its called IMAP over SSL, and its MUCH MUCH cheaper than a Blackberry Enterprise Server. In fact, ITS FREE.
9. Figuring out the phones features is a little annoying, to say the least.
10. att.blackberry.net... Worst email domain ever.
11. All your contacts have to be saved to your phone or SIM, so whats the point of the memory card? And if you want to put them on your SIM, you can only have 1 number per contact. LAME.

The bottom line is the iPhone puts the Blackberry to shame. And not just the iPhone, the HTC Pro is even better than the Blackberry.

So, over the past few months I have been on a massive amount of dates. Let me be the first to tell you, dating sucks fat ass. I don't care if you are a guy or a girl, save yourself the trouble and just become celibate!!! First of all, you go out with some trainwreck, hoping for the best, and then you find yourself not listening to the retard you are on a date with.... because you are looking for escape routes and maybe even a murder weapon. If you think I am exaggerating, think again. Seriously, the best date I have been on was in November, and that didn't turn out to go anywhere.

The one thing I hate, is people that set you up with losers you KNOW that they wouldn't ever date! I mean, I might be single, but I am not desperate! On top of that, when you tell them it didn't work out, they seem mad! I'm like fuck you assmonkey, you're not the one that had to sit through a million boring ass stories, or get spit on the whole date (yes that happened). So back the fuck off. I really hate being set up in the first place, but sometimes I am bored and I go against my better judgment and go anyway. So, as my friend, if you think you want to set me up, please don't. Because more than likely, I will go, not like them, and you will get mad at me.

I just want to find love... not just any love... for real love. Not the kind of love that you have that's just passionate and not for the long haul; but the kind that you know will change your lives. I want to settle down with someone that I am proud to be with, not afraid to introduce to people. I want someone to go over to my parents house for dinner with, or to their parents house... not because we are made to do it, but because we enjoy it. I want someone to be able to sit at home with and just hang out and do nothing, and still have a good time. I mean, I like being active (bowling, doing stuff outside, going on trips) But, I don't need to go out to fancy places every weekend, I had rather just spend time with them. I have only had that one time, and I let them slip away. The next time, I won't let that happen.

I guess, I am done looking for it. I wanted it so badly that I have gotten bitter trying to find it. So now I am going to let it come to me. I will put myself out there, but I'm not going to expect miracles. And if it comes my way, I'm going to hold on to it, and never let that shit go!

So I was watching Nip/Tuck tonight, and I finally decided that it isn't going to get to be as good as it was back in seasons 1 and 2, but it was still worth watching for the shock factor alone. But then, they started going over the top with EVERYTHING... and I realize that it is the season finale, but come on. Christian is considering having himself frozen? I laughed out loud, and then flipped the channel to something less horrible. Sorry to say it, but I think its time for them to throw in the towel and quit this bitch immediately.

Also, Matt always looked like Michael Jackson's busted condom gutter baby... but he is looking less and less human as each season passes by. I'ma need him to get a tan asap and to do something about his thick ass eyebrows. its distracting as fuck and a little uncalled for. However, Kimber still looks EXACTLY the same! That bitch has to be sipping from the fountain of youth or something.

Anyshit, I'm taking my ass to bed after seeing this caca and hopefully dreaming about unicorns and not having nightmares about Matt's eyebrows eating my soul.

Keri Hilson's debut album In a Perfect World... is set to release on March 24th and this is a new single off of it. Knock You Down is an uptempo track with Kanye West and Ne-Yo and I really liked it on first listen, which is rare. I still like Turnin' Me On, which is her current single... so this is a good thing. I mean, out of the 15 or so leaked tracks I have heard, I like at least 5 of them... We'll see how she does against Ciara, Christina Milian, and Rihanna who all also have albums coming out this year. But, anyway... check this out and let me know what you think!

Download

Wow, every time I think about McDonald's I just feel fat. But lately I have been craving chicken mcnuggets like nobody's business. I mean, they are deep fried bits of heaven! So the other day, I was having a FML moment and was going to my local Sanford McDonald's and I see the 50 piece McNugget party pack, and I think to myself.... I wonder how many McNuggets I can eat without feeling like I need to have my stomach pumped or have a shit fest of epic proportions. So being the risk taker that I am, I got the 50piece with every kind of sauce they offer. That shit is only like $11.

Anycloggedarteries, I got home and started eating like it was my destiny and I ate 32 McNuggets and I felt like my stomach was about to quit this bitch and leave town. So, I gave up. But not even 20 minutes later I was so hungry, so I warmed them bitches up and ate the last 18. My ass didn't eat anything else all day, and until like 4 o'clock the next day! I do not recommend eating an entire 50 piece Mcnugget by yourself, but I do recommend the sweet and sour sauce. Its the shit! I would eat it on just about anything, maybe even pancakes. Ok, maybe not, but you get what I am saying.

UPDATE: I read this a few minutes ago and it seems to me she had a very large emergency!

Anyone, and I mean ANYONE that knows me good enough to pick me out of a lineup after a night of binge drinking at The Flame will tell you how much my heart loves Spongebob. Well, I was getting ready for bed and I was just randomly looking online at music and found this gem. It is the Spongebob greatest hits album!!! I will be rocking this shit on my iPod, in my car, wherever I fucking can! ENJOY!

Download

Sticks and stones may break her bones, but words... yeah, words will break her bones too.












Thats the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

So, at least 5 friends have asked me if I watched the bachelor tonight. FUCKING NO!!! I couldn't pick his ass out of a lineup! I try not to get into those kinds of reality shows, I mean why in the world should we care that some bitch is desperate enough to go on TV and let everyone know that she can't find a man and needs some fame hungry piece of shit to fall in love with her? I couldn't care less about the stupid ass bachelor. I didn't even feel like finding a picture to post with this. That's how much I care. If I am going to watch some "dating" reality show, I like to keep it classy, like Flavor of Love or For the Love of Ray-J. Because I am high class like that.

So, Kanki has buy one get one free sushi all day on Mondays and Wednesdays and until 6:30 every other day of the week. This makes my little heart so happy that it really does the cabbage patch everytime I think about it. I went today with my boos and it was soooo good, and we tried 2 new rolls and they were amazing. I know in a previous post I said something about Chinatown Buffet having good sushi, but I was sadly mistaken. That sushi tastes like warmed over caca compared to the sushi I had tonight. The volcano roll is my absolute favorite.

I don't know when this special offer will be over, but I am going to cry teryaki sauce tears when that day comes.

Also, we saw lispy waitress as we were leaving and that just made the night so much better. I mean, I almost wanted to go back in and eat more sushi just so we could have this bitch as our waitress again. She gave me balloons and ice cream for my birthday, so I can't be too hard on her. But this bitch has the worst lisp I have ever heard and Cassie kept asking about schhhteeemed vegetables and it was hilarious. Good times.

Please click on that shit so you can get the full effect. The bitch pictured above is Kanye West's girlfriend, Amber Rose. She can't be serious with that outfit, I mean I'm more offended by this than the Poopy Time Fun Shapes toy I posted about a couple of days ago. I'm sure Kanye yelled at her until she was deaf about wearing this shit. And she very well may be partially blind, because that's the only thing I can think of to explain this outfit. I didn't know Osh Kosh B'Gosh also had a line of day-shift prostitute clothes. The baby hooker look is not hot for anyone, but especially not for Amber Rose. This bitch fails at life for sure.

I'm gonna tell you what. My ass is 26 years old, and I know for a FACT that if I had beat my girlfriend less than a month ago, I would not be out frolicking around on a jet ski grinning and shit. Who the fuck does Chris Brown think he is?!

But seriously, whoever is Chris Brown's crisis management whore is doing a fail ass job. Here he is in Miami having just the time of his damn life, skipping around and being all merry-like. It's almost like he's saying to us, "I just beat a bitch down and now I'm going to Disneyland."

While Chris was outside beating waves down with his jetski, RiRi was inside the house reportedly trying to get her shit together. Hopefully, bitch was chanting some "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" shit. If it worked for Tina Turner, it might work for RiRi.