I don't know what in the hell Eminem is thinking, but apparently he thinks he has a time machine and his ass is in 2001! Because this shit looks like a previous Eminem video that he rolled around in a pile of 2009 to make it look current. I swear that fuckery like this makes me sick, because I know this douchebag will make millions off of it, and people will think that its so ORIGINAL and great. There is nothing original or great about Eminem!

Soooo my friend Chris took me to Rita's the other night after he has been talking about it for weeks and I decided to get a Mango Gelati; and let me tell you I am in love. It was AMAZING on so many levels.... it was extra cheap, the perfect amount of italian ice and custard, and it was so so very good! I also tried their new smores cream ice and it was also heaven in a cup! Everyone knows that I looooooove to eat, and that I try out new places as often as I can.... but this place is worth EVERYONE trying, if they haven't already! I'm just glad that I found four locations in Charlotte to hit up once I move there.... one of them not to far from where I'll be living and one of them is right near my new job... I see myself having to be lifted out of my house by a crane in 5...4...3...

This clip from South Park brings out the LOLz on so many levels. This is some classic shit right here, and the reason that I love South Park so fucking much! I'm just waiting for Kanye to go off on South Park now and talk about how he created South Park and that he was the original voices to all the characters! He is such a toolbox.

Soooo, I went and saw Twilight originally with a friend when it debuted in theaters... and I thought it pretty much blew. The acting was horrible, the storyline was weak, and the acting was horrible. Yes, I know I said the acting was horrible twice. But it needed to be said twice. I can't believe that anyone can possibly say that they think that this horseshit is any good. It was so cheesetastic that I thought that I was watching it wrong or something. So I decided to give it another chance and watched it last night again on DVD. I don't know if it is even possible for it to suck worse than it did in the theater, but it did. I want to donkey punch the bitch that plays Bella, and I want to tell the dude that plays Edward that his overly dramatic faces are hilarious. The best part of the whole movie is when she almost gets hit by a car. But in my mind it went a lot differently. Anyhow, I have a lot of friends that are die hard Twilight fans, and I know that i will get some sort of angry email or text from them when they read this. But, I don't give a fuck. I watched this shit twice and it still was worse than watching an episode of Gilmore Girls.

So, when I decided it was a good idea to move to Sanford and live with my parents; a lot of people were skeptical of it, and thought for sure my ass would end up in jail for murder. At that point, I had a job and worked 10 hours a day, money to escape Sanford with, and I was not close to any breaking point whatsoever. Here it is 6 months later, and I am about to cut bitches. I have no job, I am the poorest man in America, and I am so close to my breaking point that I lock my ass in my room all day to keep from throwing people down the stairs. I swear that my mother is constantly trying to see how much shit she can do to annoy me before I run over her with my car!

Well, I have gotten a job in Charlotte that starts April 29th. So, I will be moving there fairly soon. And how about my mom is being a complete and utter piece of shit about the whole situation. That bitch wants me to live at home forever. I mean, if I were her I would be trying to kick my ass to the curb any and every chance I got!!! I am not pleasant to be around these days... like I said I will cut a bitch and not think twice about it. I am so over living in Sanford, with my parents, being broke, with nothing to fucking do!

The original plan was for me to move home and help my parents fix up their new house... and to help them sell their old house. While saving money for myself, so I could buy a house. Well, that shit didn't work out. At all. So anyway, I have been living here since October and I think that if I had to stay here another month I would need to be committed because I would FO SHO be a threat to myself and others.

So the bitches at wordle.net have came up with this shit. You can input your blog, twitter, or facebook url and they come up with a word cloud with the words you use most frequently. Apparently, I use the word gnomes a lot. I think I'll check this weekly to see what is the most important issue on my mind that week.

So I was watching the Tarheels beat the shit out of the Spartans the other night during the NCAA tournament when this fuckery came on. I am so concerned. The marketing person at Burger King who thought to bring Spongebob Squarepants and Sir-Mix-A-Lot together probably had a hit of of the wrong kind of acid before that idea popped up in their head. This commercial was born from that trip! I mean, I thought I was the only one who got a bad case of square ass. It happens when you have to much butt sex, but children don't need to know that! Damn! Now children are going to be running around the streets measuring each other's foam brick asses! Burger King is not right for this.

However, 99 cents for a kids meal is fucking cheap!!! I will be going to Burger King this week and getting me a kids meal. I don't know whats in it, but who gives a fuck? It's 99 cents and it comes with a toy.... Sign me up!

I am almost certain that gnomes were sent to earth by the devil to terrorize people and eat their souls. Just the other day, me and my friend Ashley were in Big Lots, and there was a collection of gnomes that were sure to eat you and your entire family's souls if you purchased them. These fuckers had shovels, wheelbarrows, and little tools to kill you with. They were hardcore street gnomes. And while I was terrified and prayed to the heavens for them to stop watching me, my friend finds them adorable.

So, I think about it and I have realized that some gnomes do indeed eat souls and steal essences... but there must be some gnomes that hypnotize people, and make them believe that gnomes are adorable. Those tricky bastards. Not to mention, I will be living in the same house with my friend Ashley... so I will be adding extra locks to my windows and doors to ensure that that some gnomey bastard doesn't crawl his little ass into my room at night and eat my soul or hypnotize me into thinking he isn't from the minions of hell.

No, this isn't Sarah Jessica Parker as The Joker in the next Batman movie, it's the mini creature that will crash my dreams tonight and turn them into a nightmare.

Some bitch has taken My Little Pony and transformed her horsey ass into classic movie characters. It's pretty amazing that someone made a creepy thing even fucking creepier. There's no way I could shut my eyes with one of those things in my house. Even if I threw it in the trash and put a brick over the garbage can, it would find a way out. Those twinkly eyes say "I will eat your face tonight" and that slimy grin adds "And I'll like it."

The My Little Edward Scissorhands has to be illegal in most states. It has knives instead of hooves!

Let me let you in on a little secret. I FUCKING LOVE CEREAL!!! So, I was pretty intrigued to try this new Banana Nut Cheerios that my friend Michelle (heeey boo) had been raving about and apparently had like 6 bowls of it in one sitting. So, being the great friend that she is, she bought me my very own box. And for the love of general mills, it is so amazing that I even drink the milk and lick the bowl when I am finished. If you are a cereal fan, you HAVE TO try this cereal! And in the unlikely event that you hate this deliciousness, you can give me the rest of the box. I will give you my address and you can send that shit to me.

You might want to hold off on buying a new cell phone! Because Apple is preparing to demonstrate iPhone Software 3.0 on Tuesday, March 17th. The new OS is rumored to be able to run applications in the background, support MMS, among other things. This is exciting news because traditionally Apple shows off its new iPhone Software in March, followed by new hardware in the June/July timeframe. What this means, is that more than likely we will see a new iPhone by summer. Exciting news - so like I said, you may want to hold off on your crackberry purchases for now!


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Now playing: Keri Hilson - Change Me Featuring Akon
via FoxyTunes

Not only is this one of the hottest cars that I have seen in a while, it is also one of the most advanced. Jaguar’s XF is full of the usual bells and whistles on most sedans today. But it is the only sedan to boast a push button start that triggers a gear shift that raises out of the console area. (Pictured Below) This car does however steal some styling cues from Lexus and BMW. But It puts them together so nicely that no one should complain!

CHICK-FIL-A's ICEDREAM!!!!

Take your ass to your local Chick-Fil-A and get you some of the best fucking ice cream on the planet! I went last night and git a cone of this shit and I ate it like I was on a mission. And that mission was to eat this shit in less than 30 seconds! OMG it really is the best ice cream on the planet! I'm not joking!!! And on top of that its only like $1 and some change!!!!!!! Baby Jesus I could eat 8 of those bitches without even thinking about it twice.

Fergie, Fergie, Fergie..... why in the name of The Black Eyed Peas did you do this shit to your head? I had no idea this bitch was playing a witch as her next role. She looks like she should be cackling while offering up a wormy apple.

If Cher got caught in a meth lab explosion, this is what she would look like after. Seriously, the diarrhea brown makes this bitch look like she's 45. The straight hair looks like two curtains framing her face. And Fuggie's face should never be the star of ANY show.

And what the hell is that shit on your ankles??? And I am not a fashion expert by any means but neon fucking orange shoes? No thank you.

Well, it doesn't take much to make me want to punch a baby. But that is beside the point. I really do hate the new facebook. I mean, didn't they just update that shit not too long ago? I am already missing some of the features that I enjoyed witht he old facebook and it has only been a day since they changed it! The thing I miss the most is the live update feature. I am a facebook whore, so how in the hell am I supposed to keep up with shit if I have to refresh the page to get an update? Its bullshit! On top of everything, this shit looks EXACTLY like twitter now. Why didn't they just change the name to Facetwit?!

More than anything I miss the status update bar that used to say "Chad is..." on it. I don't even know how to start my day without that shit on my facebook. Commence baby punch fest 09.

Bitch looks hot as fuck in this video for "If You Seek Amy"
Check it out!

I seriously was so excited when I read that Teddy Ruxpin was making a triumphant return to the world this year! I used to play with that little fucker when I was little like it was my destiny. Plus, my brother thought he was creepy cause he talked, so that made him even more awesome. He went with me everywhere I fucking went. And then he would run out of batteries and I would throw his ass in the darkest back corners of my closet... and my mom would get new batteries in that bitch and we would be best friends again.

So apparently, the bitches that make Teddy Ruxpin back in the day are making his comeback kind of like Britney's comeback. They are giving his ass a makeover and then they are getting the top children's book writers together for all his new stories. I just hope that he keeps his clothes on and that he doesn't have any wardrobe malfunctions while on his world tour. I mean, as funny as it was to hear Britney proclaim that her pussy was hanging out... I don't think I am ready to hear Teddy say that his bear bits are hanging out.

Well, at least we can be glad that children will be playing with something educational instead of some of the stupid shit I see in Wal-Mart these days. I mean, we KNOW that this bitch can even run a country for 8 years... I mean he did give Dubbya all of his ideas you know. If you look closely at any picture of Dubbya you will see Teddy Ruxpin hanging out of his suitcase or waving out of the window of Air Force One. As a matter of fact, I think its time for Ruxpin for President in 2012. YES HE CAN!

Your monitor might be foggy from the extreme amounts of elegance floating off of these pictures. The eyebrows alone can get into any fine restaurant where dozens of admirers will champagne and dine them. This is what sophistication is. And I have feeling that's what got these pristine and refined ladies arrested by the mega haters known as the police.

The Las Vegas Review Journal put out a photo spread of the 50 most gorgeous beauties in Las Vegas....who happened to get their asses arrested. What did they do you ask? Basically, they were too beautiful. Assault with elegance! Ravishing ladies have it so hard.

Okay, they were really arrested for whoring it out on the streets. But it's not what you think! They are all virgins! They know how many eyebrow worshipers there are in the world, so men from around the world travel to Las Vegas to pay these stunners to stare at their exquisite eyebrows up close. They are being punished for that because the city of Las Vegas really doesn't know how to handle natural beauty, so they cage it up!

This isn't the last we'll see of these hot bitches. Don't be surprised if you see them on the catwalks of Paris. And by "catwalks of Paris," I mean Rock of Love Bus.

Click here to feast your eyes on all the gorgeousness, but you might want to look at the fugly picture of Pam Anderson below in between viewings or you might go into cardiac arrest from being exposed to extreme amounts of beauty.

The phrase "rode hard and put away wet" was created for Pamela Anderson. Old bitch needs to soak in a hot bath of Oxiclean, Pine-Sol, paint remover and Lime-A-Way. I know experts tell you not to mix chemicals, but Pamela's case is an emergency! After her bath, Mr. Sandman needs to drop a fucking sandbox on her head so she can take a 2-month nap!

Okay, I'm all for a bitch doing what she has to do to get that pussy purring. If you got to go down to Home Depot and flirt with some power tools in hopes one might take you home and drill you down, FINE. But is a nut bust really worth turning your vagina into fucking shredded beef? The ho in this story answered a fuck yes to that question.

The 27-year-old woman of Saint Mary County in Maryland was airlifted to a hospital after a saber saw done fucked up her pussy. The woman and her dick for brains boyfriend decided it would be really fucking sexy to get all America Psycho on her vagina and fuck it with a "sex toy" (I'm assuming a dildo) attached to a saber saw. It wasn't long before the blade on the saw cut through the dildo and straight up turned her sugar walls into some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. The dumb bitch went from screaming "Oh baby" to "Oh baby my pussy fell off!!!!"

The bitch was released from the hospital on Monday. She told police that the idiotic sex act was consensual and no crime was committed. Yeah, tell that to her pussy. May it rest in fucking peace. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY?! I mean, I hope that when they got home she took a power drill to his asshole so he can see how it feels. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY? I still can't. She will never watch an episode of Home Improvement the same away.

What in the Muppet hell did Kermit the Frog do to this bitch to make her MURDER his entire family and make a coat and a little hat out of their carcasses?! I bet he gave her warts (down there) and she was a little pissed so she went on a rampage of sorts and did this horseshit. I really hope this bitch doesn't try to get her a Miss. Piggy coat because let me tell you, she has no problem cutting a bitch in a heartbeat.

Anywhatisthisbitchwearing, I saw this pic and had to post it before I went to bed a had horrible dreams of muppets being decapitated and made into clothing for emaciated smug ass models to wear on the runway. Because I KNEW you wanted to have the same dreams tonight! This shit is ridiculous, even for "fashion". Shittttt.... who am I kidding?! Bitches in Sanford have been wearing this shit for years, it screams Sanford chic for sure. But they usually target Fozzie or Cookie Monster around here, but I'm sure Kermit is no exception! I knew I had seen this idea somewhere before! COPYCATS!!!

So I had my iTunes on shuffle today and it played some pretty random shit. I think I even had some shit that I was unaware of. But when it played Ace of Base's The Sign, I turned that shit all the way up and sang and danced around like it was 1994 all over again! So I decided to look them bitches up and see what in the hell they are up to these days and was surprised to see them still looking EXACTLY the same! The blonde chick is no longer a part of the group. What kind of fuckery is that? I mean, who wouldn't want to be a part of Ace of fucking Base?! I'm sure they get treated like royalty all around the world. I bet they even get the fancy suite at the Super 8.

Anyallthatshewantsisanotherbaby, I listened to some of their new music and I quit that bitch about 15 seconds into the first song. They done went and got all techno on us. No thanks Ace of Base. If I want to torture my ears, I will just listen to U2's new shitty album. It kind of made me sad to know that these assholes aren't still signing The Sign and Don't Turn Around and All That She Wants every chance they fucking get! I mean, if they wanted to tour, and do a set of just old school stuff, I would totally go. As long as the tickets were like 10 bucks. But seriously, who wouldn't go to see that shit?

Even more surprising news, they already are currently on a 2008-2009 World Tour that they apparently forgot to tell the world about. Because you know no one knew about that shit! And you know they are more than likely pushing their new shitty techno music on people instead of giving them what they really want (to have another baby). Anyway, if you want to party like its 1994, you can watch the video for The Sign below.

I am in the car with my mom right now on the way to Southern Pines and I swear to ibproufen she hasn't stopped talking since we left the house. I'm conducting an experiment to see how long we can ride together and me not say anything; and if that will even phase her. So far we are 30 minutes into the car ride and I bet she hasn't taken a single breath between words.

Anysuicide, I went to San Felipe today and it was fucking amazing! I got the lunch special #9 and let me tell you, I will be shitting my brains out here in a little while. I had a good time though with Karonie! We always laugh and cut up like we are 12 years old!

I really might kill myself or someone around me now, we are in the FABRIC FUCKING WAREHOUSE and they are playing nonstop hillbilly country shit and there's at least 63646646 million sqaure feet of nothing but fabric!!! The things I will do for a bloomin onion at Outback Steakhouse! I would eat Dolly Partons ass cheese for a bloomin' onion or maybe even donkey punch Clay Aiken. Ok, maybe not the Clay Aiken thing... But you get what I mean. Bloomin onions are a very serious matter.

I Love Sparkle.