OK, boys and girls, we've come to agree that farts are funny,farts are great, farts we can appreciate. We already know that farts can save your life, farts are healthy, can be stealthy, and an indicator of an upcoming fecal event, so let's take a look at the different kids of farts we can enjoy, or be appalled by. This list was compiled by an expert fart panel that takes into consideration many different kids of farts exist.
I myself am not only a writer but a member of the expert fart panel as well. The fart list is as follows:
1)Taco Bell farts. These farts are as unique as other farts. Taco Bell farts are three to five minute long farts that mysteriously happen about six hours after you eat a Burrito Supreme or two, and a soft taco or two, and are asleep, often awaking the offender about halfway through.
2)Italian Shooting Antipasto farts. These are quick but harmless, but shoot out at great velocity, like greased lightning. We use olive oil in and on everything. When I was a kid, I think my great grandmother might have put olive oil in my milk and in the syrup on my pancakes. These farts feel great with no spray side effects.
3)Spicy flamethrower farts. These farts are from Taco Shops that we have all over the the place. The food is great but a couple of good chili rellenos will burn going in your mouth and burn coming out. We highly recommend never to attempt these farts around young children or flammable things like foliage. It is always best to safely sit on an approved toilet with functional plumbing and running water.
4)Diarrhea farts. Never ever ever attempt a diarrhea fart anywhere other than on a safety rated working toilet. The blast often is expelled at high velocity in all directions, and the farter has no aim control with these. These are noticeable ahead of time and often accompanied with stomach pain.
5)Zip Code farts. Zip code farts are generally considered funny by small children and men of any age group, and are common at Football games, Poker night and buddies drinking beer by the lake eating pizza. This is without a doubt the best and most appreciated fart of them all. It is called a zip code fart because you can often hear them in the next town. Feel free to use full unmitigated force when bellowing out these rumbling beasts, as high carbohydrates remove any side effects of moisture or spray pattern damage.
6)Ear Popping farts. These are similar to Zip Code farts. Relatively low danger of bad side effects. This is when you haven't eaten all day or maybe a day and a half and feel a rumble mumble crumble feeling in your belly. This curses through your entire body, and you can even wait for it, because it will emit when it is ready, crackling through the body and making your ears pop when released.
7)Mommy farts. Mommy farts are hilarious. As I am a member of the fart panel, I can have some imput,and this is my contribution to the list. When young, my brother and I slept downstairs and mom was right next door. About once every night, she would go to the bathroom, As you know, all kids think farts or seeing their annoying little friend crash her bicycle are the funniest thing in the world. Mom would let these butt cheek rattling farts that echoed down the stairs through the whole house, making them sound even funnier, and they lasted a good 45 seconds to a minute in length. We laughed so hard we'd get into trouble but it was unavoidable for us little kids. We think she did it on purpose because she knew we loved it.
No disrespect meant to any mom's out there, moms fart like everybody else.
8)Vic's Sewer farts.A lifelong friend of mine and a few others on the fart panel discovered this strange phenomenon in tenth grade. Vic could fart at will anytime and everywhere in any situation. On a school bus, in a car, at the movies, in class, in the library, at lunch, it was terrible. He was so skilled at this, that they never made a sound. It was the most God awful foul smell you could ever imagine. Fifty times worse than an outhouse at a campsite. It was horrendous, and we knew by his smile he was ready to share. The smell was unbearable but we were a little prepared, every one left the room or library EVERY SINGLE TIME with us to follow. It was hilarious but unfathomable at the same time. The movie scenario was the worst, but the funniest. People would start gagging and run out of the theatre, while we moved away but laughed our heads off.
9)Accidental farts. These are bad, embarrassing and never good, and can cost you jobs, girlfriends, customers, friendships. This is when you know the fart is coming, are trying to hold it in, but can't get to a proper farting facility in time. You may be at work, on a date, in a store, you bend over to pick up the ravioli and capoosh, oh shit!! It came out. Your face is red, your blood pressure is rising, but you suddenly feel much better, say, ”Oops, well excuse the heck out of me, I'm sorry about that.” After this of course, two kids a few feet away can't stop laughing, one of them pushes out a fart too, then the other, and they run around the corner giggling, and the guy stocking the shelves can't stop chuckling either.
10)The Gooey Wet Dripping Running farts. This is the granddaddy of all farts,and a social killer because it always happens at the mall or another inconvenient public place. This is always committed by eleven to thirteen year olds. After spending the night at a friend's house, raiding the refrigerator, eating tons of microwave burritos and watching movies, the kids go to the mall the next morning. It is summer and they are wearing shorts.
One of them farts; the other tries to repeat the flatulent effect in response (You must be male to understand this) but only manages to shit on himself and it runs down his leg. The first kid runs away from him, poopy legs doesn't know what to do, so he runs after him, spraying brown juice everywhere in the mall.
So, clearly I can't quit the Hills. I have tried cold turkey, worn the patch, and even tried the Gossip Girl method. None of these worked, so I gave in and decided to keep watching. And I am so glad that I did!!! It was so eventful and so awesome, I was glued to my tv screen for the full hour!
